I know I am not alone in my struggle to lose a few pounds. The “Battle of the Bulge” is ongoing and, for me, probably started in infancy; I weighed 10 lbs. at birth after all. But really this was of no concern until my teenage years. That is when my mom and grandmother, God bless them, started offering excuses for me, calling me ‘big boned’ and telling me that one day I would lose the ‘baby fat’. They would say that I looked like Mae West. Which was a high compliment to be sure. Mae West was a beautiful sex symbol of her time even though she was not a size ‘0’.
My mother and grandmother were codependents in my addiction. I remember the times they would smile as I shoveled food in my mouth at the dinner table. Looking back, I think that was more pride at their cooking prowess than the display of my hardy appetite. My dad was more of a pragmatist and told me to “push away from the table”. Hurt feelings aside, he was right.
I did see a pattern in my family, in the earlier days, where the women were rounder than the men. My mom used to joke about being pregnant with me. She would say when she stood next to my dad, they looked like the number 10. My mom being 5 feet tall and plump and my dad being 6 feet tall with a slender build. I could see it.
Do not get me wrong, I was never morbidly obese, but I had potential. In Highschool, most of my friends were on the heavier side as well. Maybe subconsciously that made me feel more comfortable. I really did not consider the psychology of it all at the time and I believe it would have been weird for me to do so. At home, I had some challenges with my body image as well. I had a beautiful older sister who weighed 98 lbs. at the time. And a younger sister who was also small as a youngster. Yes, I was the 'fat one'. Being a middle child is tough: You are not the oldest who thrives at everything and seems superior in every way, and you are not the cute and cuddly little one either. You work hard to try not to be forgotten. Even though you are not. It just feels that way at the time.
Then comes young adulthood and “bam” you are pregnant. Well, maybe that was just me. I went from slightly chubby to huge and it seemed like it happened overnight. The sad part is I could have been bigger, but I lived on tuna, crackers, and sprite. Yeah, I know, tuna is not recommended for pregnant women and the sodium in the crackers made my feet look like boats after walking across the college campus all day. Not to mention the amount of sugar in sprite. But it was the early 90s and I was a dumb teenager. Plus, I was miserable, so I ate what I wanted. I was short of breath, had back pain and ran to the bathroom every 2 minutes (this must be what it is like to be 120 years old). At the time, I was not aware some of these symptoms were self-inflicted.
After the birth of my baby, some of my brain cells came back to life and I realized I had a problem. At that time, I signed up for an aerobics class and I did lose all the baby weight and then some. Breastfeeding helped; I am sure. But also, I got a lot more out of that aerobics class than I could have imagined. It was an epiphany. You see, the instructor was overweight. I know, my thought exactly. I am dying, sweating my ass off, doing step aerobics (it was the 90s after all) and the lady was going so fast, I could not keep up. I am like, “how the hell is she overweight doing this multiple times a week, much less a day?”.
It was my first of many realizations, but sadly, it was not until my early-thirties I figured out the calories in and calories out method of losing weight. Even though I was a healthcare provider at the time, weight loss did not come easy for me. One day, I was talking to a patient who after multiple dietary attempts and methods was finally losing weight. She stated she was using an app to keep up with her calories and it helped motivate her to stay on track. Prior to that conversation, I had been running every day for over a year and had lost 2 lbs. You could imagine my frustration. However, after I found out about the app, I used it religiously to record everything I put in my mouth including gum.
Before the app, I was eating good things, but too much of them. I would snack on nuts and fruits throughout the day, obviously without considering serving sizes and therefore was consuming too many calories and carbohydrates. I cut back on those things, started measuring and counting everything I consumed, avoided high calorie treats and kept running every day. I dropped 20 lbs. in less than 3 months. I treated that app like a bank, the more I ate (debit), the more I had to exercise (credit).
That was 12 years ago, and I have managed to keep the weight off…mostly, by going back to that APP when I feel my clothes getting tighter. I try never to weigh myself since it is so discouraging and unreliable. Nor do I measure key areas because I am lazy. I do the “fit clothes, fit body” method, which is an earlier sign for me that I am gaining weight. However, there are times I must weigh, like at my annual exam. Just recently I was back at the gynecologist, and she noted my weight was higher than on my previous checkup. So, here I go again; eat less, exercise more.
Sometimes, I dream of being a woman who is always slim, exercises very little and can eat carrots and call it a snack. I am not that woman. I like the app, because I can eat whatever I want, just not as much as I want. The latter sounds bad, but such is life. At least now, it feels as though I am making “lifestyle choices” instead of constantly “dieting”. It has given me control over my decisions and acceptance of the consequences which motivates me to make better choices. I realize, this method will not work for everyone. You are going to have to find your own way to conquer your demons. But I hope this helps someone with a similar predicament to overcome.
Please do not misunderstand. This is not about being skinny. It is about feeling comfortable in my own skin and making healthy choices. And this is not the end game for me, but a continuation. I hope I can keep it up.
Thanks for allowing me the opportunity to share.
TiPPs
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